Review: ‘The Last Witch Hunter’ is the Last Thing You Want to See

Sophia Ritchie ‘16 / Emertainment Monthly Staff Writer

Vin Diesel is, quite simply, a man of action. With an impressive repertoire of beloved action franchises (Fast and Furious, Riddick, and more) tucked under his bullet-studded belt, one would come to assume that in a Diesel film, stunts and big explosions are king. Plot, dialogue, and character development may fall to the wayside, but at least it’ll be a fun, action-packed ride.
The Last Witch Hunter? Not so much. Directed by action-horror specialist Breck Eisner, who last gave us a memorable spook trip in 2010’s The Crazies, one wonders where the filmmaker left his taste for thrilling chases and memorable fight scenes…or, really, his taste at all.
Diesel plays Kaulder, an 800 year old knight-type super weapon charged with killing evil witches. Set in a normally bustling New York that is turned utterly soulless, witches normally live in secret, unless they’re causing trouble. As one can expect, some random, overly bearded villain (Ólafur Darri Ólafsson) isn’t playing nice, and it’s up to Kaulder to figure out his game and save the day.

The film is as textbook as you’d expect, and you have to wonder if that’s why it seems every actor involved is phoning it in. Michael Caine, as Kaulder’s aged “Dolan,” a caretaker and friend, seems to be getting paid to say strange things and stare out windows. Rose Leslie is a suitable alternative witch Chloe, with her smudgy eyeliner and clunky goth-girl bangles, seems to be wiping up her past fiery roles and wringing out the towel to see what she gives for Hunter. Elijah Wood plays an overly eager replacement to Caine’s aging mentor, but for all his effort, his character is easily the most forgotten. His endeavors come off as abrupt and a little frantic due to his surroundings.
This is without mentioning Diesel himself, who constantly looks like he just stepped on a lego but is too macho to say anything about it. His performance is mumbly, tight, and uncharacteristically uncharismatic of him.

All of this could be forgiven if the action were worthwhile, but we’re not even given that. The camerawork is cheap and shaky, the stunts are nonexistent, and the effects are crude and juvenile. Too much of the film is spent trying to appear edgy and clever, or trying to give Kaulder a backstory that just isn’t there. An alarming amount of time is spent talking; Kaulder and Dolan spend a good five minutes having drinks together, Caine purse-mouthed and stereotypically British, Diesel grumbling like a shaved bear about nothing at all. These events are too numerous, and the shoddy action scenes not nearly enough to compensate for them.
Kaulder’s story revolves around the fact that he is “cursed with life” doomed to hunt witches alone and remain immortal for all of eternity. His one true goal is to eventually perish. This is the one thing the audience might sympathize with: they, too, will probably be muttering to themselves, “Please, just let him die,” if they attempt to watch all 104 minutes of this utterly joyless bore.
Overall Grade: F
Watch The Trailer:
[embedyt] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=66nnRrNydu0[/embedyt]